My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
You Might Also Like
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.