Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
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Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
The big book of baby names but for safe words
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
These are my roll models.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler