date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
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Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer