(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
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I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.