Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
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Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I’m giving up ice.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8