If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
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[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?