I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
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PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I put the hot in psychotic.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.