A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
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[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
listen closely
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put