Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
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People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
“no gods no masters” = leo
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!