Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
You Might Also Like
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.