Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
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Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Found my door mat
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car