How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
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Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I know a bad idea when I see one.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun