I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
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“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!