Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
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First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Twitter is an abusement park.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you