Sometimes? I’m slipping
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Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*