when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
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My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
why does this building look like a guilty dog
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work