i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
You Might Also Like
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Did my cat write this
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Love this one 😂🧟
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day