“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
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Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Van Gone
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.