call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
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[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
just got my engagement photos
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people