I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
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An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.