You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
You Might Also Like
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.