After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
You Might Also Like
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Rooting for the overdog
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.