Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
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I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Do not steal food from the science building!
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.