Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
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Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary