When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother comingππππππ
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No, YOUR illiterate.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Ok so the rule is if itβs a vowel sound use βanβ and if itβs a consonant sound use βaβ. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.Weβve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please donβt give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I donβt mind. Iβm starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
π€―π€―π€―
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza Iβm gonna order later isnβt here yet?
I have a friend whoβs band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but Iβm pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Husband to me:
If you canβt sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I canβt sleep.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me βDad.β
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
me: iβll just soak this dish so itβs easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good itβll be in a month
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?