Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
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I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.