wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
You Might Also Like
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
can you read it!!??
maan!
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!