I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
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If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
We’ve all been there…
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.