*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
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Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.