I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
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My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I believe the plural is “milves.”
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.