news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
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Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.