I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
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Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
How do you like your Corgi?
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️