PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
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saw this in a dream
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.