I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
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inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.