Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
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I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
good morning
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.