She was rare, like a goth carolling.
You Might Also Like
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
getting old is fun
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
No. YOU-buprofen.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?