Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
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I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
early stone age tool
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know