*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
You Might Also Like
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease