All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
You Might Also Like
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
never compromise your values
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name