IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
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According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.