The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
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Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
For cardio I live beyond my means.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.