THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
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My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
You’ll be OK
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.