In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
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Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
ok hear me out: Luigiana
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?