Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
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A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
asked my bf how work was today
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
What
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board