people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
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Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Erm…
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.