Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
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*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /