A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
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[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
They’re not wrong
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm