If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
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what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Storm Tropical Storm
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*