I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
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Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
This week’s mood.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed