Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
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If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Banking tips
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Oh, I bet you would be
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?